Being in a long distance relationship.

Long distance relationships, to most they probably seem unimaginable, for others they might seem less genuine but, for some they’re reality. I myself, being and European and married to a Japanese have found myself being part of just that kind of relationship – the kind of relationship that I hadn’t given much thought earlier in my life.

My mother have often said that she saw it coming, considering the fact that I was always romanticizing about Japanese guys and had overall no interest in the guys in my area. And, since my goal since elementary school was to marry a Japanese guy and live in Japan, I, myself should have seen it coming as well – maybe I lacked a better grasp and wider view of reality back then. I guess, I felt I didn’t need reality, because my future goal didn’t seem very plausible to me at all back then. How could a girl with an overall lack of dating experience suddenly be able to find a nice Japanese guy who later on would marry me and we could then live happily ever after?

Life is a mysterious thing, because that was pretty much what happened, except that the “happily ever after” is dragging out a bit, because how can you truly be happy when you’re forced to part ways over and over again?

Before I met my husband I never imagined how painful it could be having to say goodbye to someone being so close to your heart. Even though it’s only a momentarily goodbye it feels like ages and when you feel a part of your soul is missing then six weeks can easily seem like six months. Overall my husband are considered fortunate in some long distance communities because we’re able to be together for around 4 weeks and then separated for 6 weeks while he works in Japan. That still means that over the past year and 10 months we’ve parted around 10 times, around 10 times have our physical touch become impossible, our conversations been limited to skype and around 10 times have I been forced to try mending and gathering the pieces together of my broken heart. And this pattern will continue till I’m able to finally move to Japan after my university graduation, which is still two and a half years away.

Some people may believe that I’m overplaying the feelings involved in this crucial part of being in a long distance relationship, but maybe it’s because they’ve never experienced such feelings themselves.

I also know other people would say “I couldn’t do it” and I also do believe it’s a fact that long distance relationships are not meant for everybody, if everybody could do it would it then even be considered as hard? I guess there’s a lot of things in life there’s not meant to be easy. But, it’s not because us who’s a part of a long distance relationship finds it neither easier nor more filling to be in these relationships. We find them equally hard, but what if you do find “that person”, but they’re located across the globe, is it then easier to say “I can’t do it”? Overall heartbreak awaits, one person does have to chose if it’s more painful to only see their partner in periods of time, rather than not seeing them infinitely.

In the beginning, sometimes when my heart ached the most, I did consider ending the relationship in hopes of finding peace and conclusion. I disliked hearing friends complain about not being able to see their boyfriends for a few days, I even at times I felt despiteful and wished they could feel “real longing” – but, nothing of that proved to be a right solution, nothing brought relieve to the pain. Because I was the one who wanted the relationship, I didn’t wish for the distance or the hardships attached to it, but I wanted the guy, I wanted to enjoy the smiles he put on my face, the butterflies in my stomach and the peace only he could bring to my heart. How could I dismiss all this because 5,000 miles stood in our way? And if I did end the relationship, who could then promise me that I would be able to find a guy that I would be able to love at least half as much?

And the before mentioned jealousy does nothing but poke at wounds and scars that’s trying to heal and fade. Though knowing this doesn’t mean that these ill feelings will fully go away. We humans are jealous creatures indeed. It’s not just that us in a long distance relationship feels that it’s us against “the others”, even in “long distance relationship communities” jealousy is a fire which can’t be tamed. There’s the couples meeting once or twice a year envying the couples who meets once a month. There’s comparisons when it comes to the number of miles separating couples or the amount of minutes they’re able to talk during a week. But, does it really put your heart more at ease knowing your partner is 300 miles away, rather than 3,000? And to poor students 400 miles might as well be 4,000 when transportation options are limited.

In long distance relationships finance is crucial. I’ve been lucky, since I have a husband who’s able to pay flight tickets between Denmark and Japan every second month, also without touching savings. But, what if he was a student like me? Then we should feel blessed with being able to see each other once or twice a year.
Overall, emotional pain lies within the “eyes” of the beholder. We shouldn’t compare and we shouldn’t think that our pain is worse than others’, because how do we really know when we only know our own? I guess, when not seeing your partner for four days seems unbearable, then it’s mostly because you haven’t tried not seeing them for four months. Though it doesn’t make your feelings of longing less valid – but I do believe they’re shorter.

My husband went back to Japan a few days ago and even though we’ve been through the process so many times, it didn’t make me cry less or keep me from try to desperately hold on to him till the very last minute. I still don’t believe him when he says time will pass fast, because I know how it felt the last time.
But, I wouldn’t consider giving up on us, not just because we have a legal paper on our relationship, but because I know I’m a far happier person with him in my life, even though he unfortunately can’t be by my side every single day. Because I know I’ll see him again and because I know I couldn’t live a life without him in it.

And… I also know he’ll be reading this and maybe understanding half of these words.

A final two-shot at the airport after I’ve been crying most of the day.

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9 responses

  1. Our hearts pay no attention to distance or time or any of those binding, physical characteristics of the universe when they open themselves to love…we love who we love, and that is all. As you said, somehow all the hard parts are worth it, because without that person, that love, there’s no point in anything at all. We don’t get to choose love…it chooses us. And the package it comes in can be a challenging one…

  2. Du er så stærk, Isabella ^^
    Nogle gange tror jeg også at misundelse går den anden vej. Altså, jeg kan da godt føle mig “misundelig” på folk som dig, der har et langdistanceforhold, fordi det betyder, at kærligheden er stærk nok til at klare distancen. Det må også være en virkelig vidunderlig følelse, når man så mødes igen 😀 (endnu en grund til jeg burde tage til Kobe…)

    Men anyway, jeg fandt din blog igennem Twitter, og jeg har nu også læst din “dagbog” fra Japan – oversæt mere, please! D: Det er virkelig spændende.

    • Tsk tsk, når man prøver at holde sin blog hemmelig for folk man kender XD Men tak for kommentaren, Juliane 🙂
      Ja jeg tror også at misundelse kan gå mange veje, da man jo aldrig ved hvad hvordan andre mennesker virkelig har det. Jeg kan jo som sagt være misundelig over folk der kan se deres kærester hver dag, men på den anden side tænker jeg om disse par mangler den “specielle følelse” ved at se hinanden igen efter at have været adskilt i en længere periode.

      Og ja, du burde tage til Kobe. Forstår godt at du foretrækker Tokyo (hver sin smag jo XD), men det jo en ekstra oplevelse at prøve at tage kurser ved et japansk universitet. Og hvis du blev træt af os i Kobe, er der heldigvis ikke så langt til Susanne i Kyoto XD

      Hehe jeg glemmer tit min dagbogs blog, men nu hvor du har mindet mig om den får jeg nok snart oversat noget mere.

      • Haha, jamen så skal man jo ikke poste om den på Twitter, hvis den skal være hemmelig 😛 Medmindre din Twitter selvfølgelig også er hemmelig…

        Jeg har næsten også overbevist mig selv om at tage af sted. På mandag snakker jeg med Mariko om, hvad det lige går ud på og sådan, og så beslutter jeg mig. Desuden lød det lidt som om, de ikke havde lyst til at sende andre af sted xD

        Yay, dagbog!

  3. ❤ I know how you feel…I'm in a long distance relationship as well, it's Valentines today, (Happy Valentine's to you!) and it really is hard being alone when you have someone so important in your life so far away. My heart goes out to you and you will see it through, from your posts you seem very strong and full of hope, there's a lot I can learn. cheers!

  4. We are so similar in that sense! I also got married around your age to a Japanese guy who is around 10years older than me (whom I met on my short trip to Japan) and we also had to have long distance relationship while I had the exams back at my country. At that time I used to come to Japan every two to three months for several weeks and then go back and communicate by skype. I read your diary on how you met your husband and I would really like you to write what happened next! It’s a very interesting diary and inspired me to publish my own too!

    • Thank you very much for the comment. Reading how similar we are I was so surprised! I really think that meeting people like you can be a great help in the near future (one year to be exact) when I have to live permanently in Japan. Someone who’s able to understand some of the hardships us foreign women experience in Japan – also when it comes to raising children. I hope we can stay in touch. I’ll be reading your blog from now on ^^

  5. Long Distance Relationship is not that easy, your relationship will work if you both want to work it. It won’t work if only the one person is holding on, I’ve been in a Long Distance Relationship and unfortunately I found out that she cheated on me.

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